commandertoolbelt | Recollé ✦ Inbox

That's what psychiatrists are for. Somehow I don't think you qualify.

[ it's honestly hard to tell whether Baren really means that or not, but the fact remains that Leo... has a hard time opening up even to his friends. the only reason he talked to Dante was because he could feel it - otherwise Pen would be the only one, and only then because she's different from everyone else. ]

If you know we broke up, then she's already told you what happened. I don't know what else you want to hear.

[ maybe the real reason why, leo? but no. because even if you're a grade-A asshole, you probably didn't kill someone in another life, my dude! ]

She told me you stopped talking to her and wouldn't explain yourself.

[Which.

Relatable.

But that's why Baren fixes him with a confused look.]

And you haven't talked to her since, apparently. What, are you still looking for the right words to give her?

[ he turns away again with a huff. teenagers gotta sulk i guess. ]

Maybe I thought she wouldn't want to me after that.

[teenagers.

baren doesn't have the patience for this but he keeps reminding himself that it's for taba-chan.]

Most people don't like considering situations where they might be wrong.

But what would you do if you're wrong?

I know it was wrong, alright?

[ Leo runs a hand through his hair, clearly annoyed, and if his fingers are a little on fire, it doesn't seem to bother him or even catch in his hair. there he was, innocently minding his own business, and this guy comes to ruin his day. cool. awesome! thanks for that. ]

What exactly do you want me to say?

Not that.

[Not the actual breakup - Baren waves a hand and sorry about your annoyance, Leo, but he's not even flinching at your fingers catching on fire. Recollé just does some weird shit to people.]

I mean now.

What if she wants to talk to you now?

[And while he's at it, he clarifies one more thing:] I'm not looking for a specific answer from you. This isn't a test.

Does she?

[ he clearly has doubts about that, but. ]

I was already going to ask her if we could talk. I just... Something happened last month, so I couldn't.

[ couldn't or wouldn't, is the question, and Leo hates the answer. he hadn't even mentioned that particular memory to Pen because he knows she'd just say that's one more reason to go talk to Futaba already, and while she'd be right, it wasn't what he wanted to hear.

he is running out of excuses, though, and he's kind of tired of Futaba's friends coming to bug him about it like he doesn't know that. ]

All she wants is to understand.

[Even from their one conversation immediately after it happened, Baren understood that.

He brings a hand up to his neck, for once letting some of his own discomfort shine through for only a second. He gets it. There's no way that he couldn't. He broke up with Chuuya without a word the first time and left Chuuya in a spiral for years after because of it. Of course, he has more faith in Futaba, and he doesn't even know Leo's reasons.

But the possibility of anything being left to fester troubles him.]

I'm not looking to rush you. This shit takes time, especially if it's something out of your hands. [Leo stopped talking to Futaba during the mission - Baren wonders if it's something because of that.]

But I didn't know if you were someone who'd want to run forever. So I wanted to find out.

That'd be easier, [ he mutters. because if it were up to him? yeah, he probably would run forever and pretend it never happened. or at least, never try to fix it. burning a few bridges shouldn't matter as long as they stayed in the past. but he'd already said he'd try, he thought as he finally notices the flames on his skin and tries to shake them off with a look of disgust.

he kind of hates that he'd rather run than fix it, but leo's always been kind of afraid of other people. and opening up about something like this is still absolutely terrifying.

he frowns down at his hand, steam trailing from his fingertips where the flames had been. ]

I just don't want to hurt her.

[ even if he kind of already has. he still wonders if it's better to stay away than risk it again, but... that should be her decision. she has a right to know, after all. ]

[Baren watches the steam with mild interest. The look of disgust from leo was noted too. Quietly, quietly, the way that Baren remembers things about people even if he doesn't know that it'll be important in the future. The way that he watches the world in a constant attempt to understand it.

His own burn scarred hands underneath his gloves ache once.]

The truth rarely hurts as much as the wondering, or any explanation she might come up with on her own.

[It's a softer answer than Baren's offered so far - just in case it's something Leo's already thought of. But that's what Baren set on Chuuya before. He let Chuuya imagine the worse things, waited three years to clarify them, because letting him come up with his own answers was the worst thing to do.

Baren made that choice consciously.]

Have a little more faith in Taba-chan, too. She's young - you both are - but that's why it's still a time to learn, since no one expects you to have your shit together yet.

[ that's... almost exactly what Penelope said and thanks, Leo hates it lmao. ]

Maybe it will this time.

[ he thinks the truth is worse, personally, but that's really up to Futaba, isn't it? even if it was the Other Leo, not him, he has to wonder if it still counts when he remembers it all, right down to breaking that promise and killing his mother because of it.

but still. he needs these memories to stop scaring him before he can do anything about it. the more that come, the less willing he is to talk about them at all. which is why he offers Baren a humorless smile. ]

What if I decide not to talk to her?

[Not talking to her would definitely be a tempting option - it's what Baren did when he was in Leo's shoes. He avoided the actual question for three years, while also not being able to completely sever a tie to someone that he found interesting. It led to a mess.

He'd rather avoid it.

- but he recognizes that he doesn't have enough information. He doesn't know if Leo's reasons and his own were the same. So when he asks, it's only open curiosity.]

What would be stopping you?

[ it's weird how much this guy seems to care what Leo's issues might be, but - remember, it's for Futaba. it's not really about him.

so he just shrugs, and shoves his hands in his pockets so his nerves won't light them on fire again. ]

Something I don't want to talk about.

[ a non-answer for a non-answer. ]

[Baren shrugs once. That's fair. He can't fault anyone for privacy and he doesn't seem to have any intention of prying.]

Then - even if you don't want to talk about it with me, you ought to find someone else.

Not talking to her's probably only going to hurt you both, even if you think the truth you're hiding is that painful. Making that decision for her isn't fair, and even if you're trying to get her to resent you, it'd be easier if you gave her something tangible to hold a grudge against.

Right now she has enough good memories of you that she won't be able to hate you, if that's what you want.

Sounds like you've got experience.

[ this isn't just a part of Life, is it? because that sucks. surely not everyone has tragic backstories that include killing people they love??

but anyway. ]

Yeah, yeah. I already said I was going to talk to her. I promised someone I would. [ he doesn't look very happy about it, though. ] Besides, I told her back then that I trusted her, and I do. But... I can't blame her if she wants to keep her distance after that, either.

[ he sighs. Futaba clearly means a lot to him, if he's willing to say all that in front of someone who's basically a total stranger. he's already made his decision, anyway. ]

I don't want to hurt her anymore. But she should know, anyway.

Edited 2018-04-10 00:59 (UTC)

[He does have experience - but he won't acknowledge that statement. He thinks it's obvious enough. He's gotten to know a number of people, made enough mistakes to see the way that they affect others.]

Then you've made your decision.

[And Baren found out what he wanted to.

Regardless he tilts his head.]

... Taba-chan's a good girl, and you're not that shitty of a kid either. Hurting others happens, whether you mean to or not. Just take the consequences, yeah?

You could be surprised.

[ Well, that's kind of the wrong thing to say.

"Just take the consequences." The look Leo gives him is one of pure disbelief - unfair, he knows, since Baren doesn't know anything about him or the reason why he'd pulled away from Futaba in the first place, but he can't help it. His skin tingles with memories of flame and promises he couldn't keep, and Leo realizes suddenly that he's stopped walking.

Yes, he's already made a decision regarding Futaba. And maybe he has decided to trust her on this. But that doesn't take away the fear of consequences worse than a broken heart.

Leo forces his feet to move again with a shake of his head. ]

You don't know anything about me, dude.

[ Pushing past Baren, he tries not to remember the workshop from his memories, his mother trapped inside as the building begins to burn. ]

Sometimes the consequences can be worse than just hurting someone's feelings.

[ When he said he didn't want to hurt Futaba, he meant it quite literally. Surprise. ]

[ - and of course nothing's ever that simple, is it.

Baren blinks, surprised. A broken heart is that, and the consequences of it can lead to years lost to pining for someone that's less than what you deserve. That's the lens he was looking at this through and immediately, he reevaluates the situation because Baren hasn't survived as long as he has by being dense. Occasionally tone deaf, sure, but not dense.

He stopped when Leo did - and he accepts the other pushing past him with a mild look of annoyance (don't get close to him). Like a jerk, he moves to brush imaginary dust off his person because he doesn't like people being in his personal space without invitation, but then he follows after.]

You're talking about something that I can't understand because you haven't told me.

[Flat out - because nothing else in their conversation could tip Baren off that he would say the wrong thing.]

- and I'm not saying you have to tell me, but you should probably talk to someone about it before you throw your feelings around, whatever they might be.

Is that what your issue is?

[He thinks back to the look of disgust on Leo's face when he noticed his fingertips on fire.

The sparks that fly off your own hand when you can't control your emotions?]

[ Good, because he doesn't want to tell Baren anything. So he just rolls his eyes and keeps going. ]

What are you, my mom?

[ The words are out before Leo can stop them, and he winces. With luck, Baren won't notice. ]

I did talk to someone - not that my "issues" are any of your business.

[ He may actually just be lashing out now. And maybe Leo will regret it later, but he wasn't the one who started this, even if he's just here for Futaba's sake. Even if Leo kind of hates that he can't hate Baren for that reason alone. They both care about her, after all. ]

So maybe you shouldn't pretend you know what's best for me and Futaba when you don't know the whole story.

[ He almost stops again when he remembers that's almost, word for word, what Penelope had said to him. He has trouble taking that advice, himself, but every piece of the story he's gotten has pointed to the same thing so far. What else is he supposed to think? ]

[Sadly, Baren notices.

His eye for detail is great, which sucks.

Yet it doesn't seem to register on his face - he's still in the middle of putting things together. He listens and even if he doesn't consciously recognize it, Leo's right. Baren's making decisions on what he thinks should be done in order to get the best outcome. He says that he doesn't care what people do, what mistakes they make, but he still tries to move them like chess pieces.

At least his expectations are so nonexistent that when Leo lashes out, he doesn't even seem fazed or bothered.]

I know a similar story - so if you want to clear up the differences between the two, that'd help.

[But he tilts his head.]

You're scared you'll hurt her worse? With something more than words. Probably on accident.

[If it's more than a person's feelings getting hurt - it's gotta be something more drastic than that. Fire is pretty drastic. The burn scars under Baren's gloves ache faintly with that reminder.]

Ah, is that why you tried to push her away?

[Because you'd rather hurt her on purpose and be able to control the damage...? Or is that too much of Baren's projecting?]

[ He doesn't like Baren, Leo decides. Maybe he doesn't have the right be upset at him, maybe he can't hate him since this whole thing is for Futaba, but Leo definitely doesn't have to like him.

"You don't have to tell me," he's been saying this whole time. He's as good as said he doesn't know what Leo's issues are, and Leo wasn't wrong to point out that they don't know each other. They've spoken, what, once or twice before? How could Baren know anything?

But somehow, Baren nails it all in one guess, and it hurts to hear it laid out so simply. Penelo had done that, too, but somehow it didn't feel quite as bad when it was her. Maybe it's that it scares him a little, that it's so easy for a complete stranger to pin him down like this? Leo doesn't know what it is for sure.

Sighing, he slows to a stop, staring up at the sky as if to ask it, "Why me?" ]

I said, [ Leo says slowly, ] that I would talk to her. I said I'd try not to hurt her. Isn't that enough for you?

[Ah.

He got it right.

How unfortunate.

Baren blinks - and realizes rather immediately that he'd breached someone's privacy. It's not the first time that he's been able to figure things out from someone's demeanor, from pulling from his own mistakes and faults to determine what went wrong because if there's a mistake out there to be made then Baren has made it, but it's the first time that he's laid it out in the open for them to see.]

It's enough for me - but is it enough for you....?

[Logic tells him to stop, but it's hard to recognize when he's found a wound and then simply ignore it.]

I'm not the person to talk to about this. [He recognizes that.] ... but I think someone who would be better at this would agree with me that you could stand to forgive yourself a bit more.

[Because - accidents happen, right? Accidents can have terrible consequences even so. That's what Leo's afraid of - right?]

You matter to Taba-chan. Even if she's mad at you, I think she'd probably punch me in the gut if I didn't at least try to - [make you feel better...?]

... if I didn't try to keep you from making mistakes that I have.

[maybe that's it.]

It doesn't matter what I think, just that she's okay.

[ And Leo firmly believes that. As long as the people cares about are alright, his stupid internal struggle doesn't mean much of anything. Besides, it's like Penelope said - it was the Other Leo who killed his mom, not him. He has to keep reminding himself of that. Given how hard it is to control his power, and all the recent memories of the incident in question, it's become very easy to forget.

So it's not even Leo himself that needs forgiveness, is it? But even if it were, how could you forgive something like killing another person? ]

What makes you so sure we've made the same mistakes, anyway?

[ Past lives or present. ]

Because every perfectionist is actually prone to making mistakes, and while I don't care to air my laundry list, I don't think I need to convince you that it's extensive.

[The unsaid, but fairly clear (Baren thinks): I'd be surprised if you could name a mistake I haven't made.

Right? There's no delusions there. Baren's kind of an asshole, and he doesn't really care about that. Those often aren't where his mistakes lie, though. They often lie in his good intentions, in his clumsy way of handling things.]

It's why I can say with confidence that as long as you don't have your stuff figured out internally, the people around you are going to worry. Because relationships between people are messy. Well-intentioned, but messy.

[ "Extensive" though his laundry list might be, Leo has a hard time believing that murder would be on it. But he's not going to tell Baren that. It's not something Leo wants to be public knowledge, and no matter what promises Baren makes about not telling Futaba or anyone else, he doesn't trust him with that kind of information. ]

No shit, Sherlock. It it were that easy, I wouldn't have gotten us into this mess in the first place.

[ He's not stupid. Or- well, he is, but at least he knows what his mistakes are. Leo's never really been that great at understanding other people, anyway. Futaba is different, but he'd let his fear control him when he'd pushed her away. All he can do now is hope she understands when he tries to explain that to her.

He wonders, though, if there's a way to salvage this conversation and steer it back into more comfortable territory. Normally, this is where he'd bail, but Baren seems intent on making this happen one way or another, so he’ll have to settle for a noncommittal wave. ]

There’s not much I can do about it, anyway.

[ Nothing except talk to her, and let Futaba knows exactly what happens. All he can promise is try not to let something like the his mother’s death happen again, and he’s already resolved to that. ]

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I THOUGHT I RESPONDED TO THIS I'M SORRY RAY