commandertoolbelt | Recollé ✦ Inbox

It's more of a tanuki choosing you kind of thing.

[sort of???? that's how baren ended up with the tanuki so he's gonna guess that's how it goes in general]

Anyway the question is: have you talked to Taba-chan lately?

[ ah… there it is. though Leo can’t hide the wince at hearing her name, he does try by looking in any direction except Baren’s. sure, he might have promised Penelope he’d try to talk to her about what happened, but he’d also thought they both needed some time to process… well, everything, and then he’d remembered something else that put him back in full avoidance mode, so... ]

No.

[ that's all he's going to give you, apparently. ]

[the wince almost says more than his actual verbal response and baren files it away for memory - before tilting his head.]

Do you think you're helping by not?

[ you don't know him! you don't know his reasons! you're not his real dad! ]

Do you think that's any of your business?

[ maybe it is?? but whether any of them like it or not, Leo does have his reasons for it. no one said they had to be good reasons, but they exist, anyway. ]

I don't waste my time with things that aren't.

[life's short, he'd rather spend it laughing.

but this isn't a laughing matter, sadly, and he just raises a brow. he doesn't seem judgmental for once, if only because he thinks he can already guess at leo's thought process given his own shitty coping mechanisms that led to old breakups but - ]

What do you need to talk? A swear of secrecy that I won't pass it on to Taba-chan?

[ that gets Leo to finally look back at him, eyes narrowed in... confusion? suspicion? maybe both. ]

Why would I tell you anything? I barely even know you.

[ Penelope and Dante are the only ones he's told about it, let alone this weirdo. especially when, no matter what promises he makes, he could turn right around and spill everything to Futaba, when really that's something Leo needs to tell her himself. he owes that much to her. ]

That's half the point. [Baren makes a vague gesture.] I don't get how, but some people find it easier to open it up to people who aren't their close friends. Probably because there's no worry of breaking a relationship? And at the very least, by nature of being [an unapologetic asshole] myself, I probably don't have room to judge whatever you did.

[Baren's good at lying - the fibs sound just like sincerity. In this case, it's really just sincerity. There's a nonchalance in the way that he talks, like he's just explaining what he's observed and known to be fact. As for his stake in the matter:]

I'm here for Taba-chan, not you. You still care about her, so I figured that at least would be something we could agree on.

That's what psychiatrists are for. Somehow I don't think you qualify.

[ it's honestly hard to tell whether Baren really means that or not, but the fact remains that Leo... has a hard time opening up even to his friends. the only reason he talked to Dante was because he could feel it - otherwise Pen would be the only one, and only then because she's different from everyone else. ]

If you know we broke up, then she's already told you what happened. I don't know what else you want to hear.

[ maybe the real reason why, leo? but no. because even if you're a grade-A asshole, you probably didn't kill someone in another life, my dude! ]

She told me you stopped talking to her and wouldn't explain yourself.

[Which.

Relatable.

But that's why Baren fixes him with a confused look.]

And you haven't talked to her since, apparently. What, are you still looking for the right words to give her?

[ he turns away again with a huff. teenagers gotta sulk i guess. ]

Maybe I thought she wouldn't want to me after that.

[teenagers.

baren doesn't have the patience for this but he keeps reminding himself that it's for taba-chan.]

Most people don't like considering situations where they might be wrong.

But what would you do if you're wrong?

I know it was wrong, alright?

[ Leo runs a hand through his hair, clearly annoyed, and if his fingers are a little on fire, it doesn't seem to bother him or even catch in his hair. there he was, innocently minding his own business, and this guy comes to ruin his day. cool. awesome! thanks for that. ]

What exactly do you want me to say?

Not that.

[Not the actual breakup - Baren waves a hand and sorry about your annoyance, Leo, but he's not even flinching at your fingers catching on fire. Recollé just does some weird shit to people.]

I mean now.

What if she wants to talk to you now?

[And while he's at it, he clarifies one more thing:] I'm not looking for a specific answer from you. This isn't a test.

Does she?

[ he clearly has doubts about that, but. ]

I was already going to ask her if we could talk. I just... Something happened last month, so I couldn't.

[ couldn't or wouldn't, is the question, and Leo hates the answer. he hadn't even mentioned that particular memory to Pen because he knows she'd just say that's one more reason to go talk to Futaba already, and while she'd be right, it wasn't what he wanted to hear.

he is running out of excuses, though, and he's kind of tired of Futaba's friends coming to bug him about it like he doesn't know that. ]

All she wants is to understand.

[Even from their one conversation immediately after it happened, Baren understood that.

He brings a hand up to his neck, for once letting some of his own discomfort shine through for only a second. He gets it. There's no way that he couldn't. He broke up with Chuuya without a word the first time and left Chuuya in a spiral for years after because of it. Of course, he has more faith in Futaba, and he doesn't even know Leo's reasons.

But the possibility of anything being left to fester troubles him.]

I'm not looking to rush you. This shit takes time, especially if it's something out of your hands. [Leo stopped talking to Futaba during the mission - Baren wonders if it's something because of that.]

But I didn't know if you were someone who'd want to run forever. So I wanted to find out.

That'd be easier, [ he mutters. because if it were up to him? yeah, he probably would run forever and pretend it never happened. or at least, never try to fix it. burning a few bridges shouldn't matter as long as they stayed in the past. but he'd already said he'd try, he thought as he finally notices the flames on his skin and tries to shake them off with a look of disgust.

he kind of hates that he'd rather run than fix it, but leo's always been kind of afraid of other people. and opening up about something like this is still absolutely terrifying.

he frowns down at his hand, steam trailing from his fingertips where the flames had been. ]

I just don't want to hurt her.

[ even if he kind of already has. he still wonders if it's better to stay away than risk it again, but... that should be her decision. she has a right to know, after all. ]

[Baren watches the steam with mild interest. The look of disgust from leo was noted too. Quietly, quietly, the way that Baren remembers things about people even if he doesn't know that it'll be important in the future. The way that he watches the world in a constant attempt to understand it.

His own burn scarred hands underneath his gloves ache once.]

The truth rarely hurts as much as the wondering, or any explanation she might come up with on her own.

[It's a softer answer than Baren's offered so far - just in case it's something Leo's already thought of. But that's what Baren set on Chuuya before. He let Chuuya imagine the worse things, waited three years to clarify them, because letting him come up with his own answers was the worst thing to do.

Baren made that choice consciously.]

Have a little more faith in Taba-chan, too. She's young - you both are - but that's why it's still a time to learn, since no one expects you to have your shit together yet.

[ that's... almost exactly what Penelope said and thanks, Leo hates it lmao. ]

Maybe it will this time.

[ he thinks the truth is worse, personally, but that's really up to Futaba, isn't it? even if it was the Other Leo, not him, he has to wonder if it still counts when he remembers it all, right down to breaking that promise and killing his mother because of it.

but still. he needs these memories to stop scaring him before he can do anything about it. the more that come, the less willing he is to talk about them at all. which is why he offers Baren a humorless smile. ]

What if I decide not to talk to her?

[Not talking to her would definitely be a tempting option - it's what Baren did when he was in Leo's shoes. He avoided the actual question for three years, while also not being able to completely sever a tie to someone that he found interesting. It led to a mess.

He'd rather avoid it.

- but he recognizes that he doesn't have enough information. He doesn't know if Leo's reasons and his own were the same. So when he asks, it's only open curiosity.]

What would be stopping you?

[ it's weird how much this guy seems to care what Leo's issues might be, but - remember, it's for Futaba. it's not really about him.

so he just shrugs, and shoves his hands in his pockets so his nerves won't light them on fire again. ]

Something I don't want to talk about.

[ a non-answer for a non-answer. ]

[Baren shrugs once. That's fair. He can't fault anyone for privacy and he doesn't seem to have any intention of prying.]

Then - even if you don't want to talk about it with me, you ought to find someone else.

Not talking to her's probably only going to hurt you both, even if you think the truth you're hiding is that painful. Making that decision for her isn't fair, and even if you're trying to get her to resent you, it'd be easier if you gave her something tangible to hold a grudge against.

Right now she has enough good memories of you that she won't be able to hate you, if that's what you want.

Sounds like you've got experience.

[ this isn't just a part of Life, is it? because that sucks. surely not everyone has tragic backstories that include killing people they love??

but anyway. ]

Yeah, yeah. I already said I was going to talk to her. I promised someone I would. [ he doesn't look very happy about it, though. ] Besides, I told her back then that I trusted her, and I do. But... I can't blame her if she wants to keep her distance after that, either.

[ he sighs. Futaba clearly means a lot to him, if he's willing to say all that in front of someone who's basically a total stranger. he's already made his decision, anyway. ]

I don't want to hurt her anymore. But she should know, anyway.

Edited 2018-04-10 00:59 (UTC)

[He does have experience - but he won't acknowledge that statement. He thinks it's obvious enough. He's gotten to know a number of people, made enough mistakes to see the way that they affect others.]

Then you've made your decision.

[And Baren found out what he wanted to.

Regardless he tilts his head.]

... Taba-chan's a good girl, and you're not that shitty of a kid either. Hurting others happens, whether you mean to or not. Just take the consequences, yeah?

You could be surprised.

[ Well, that's kind of the wrong thing to say.

"Just take the consequences." The look Leo gives him is one of pure disbelief - unfair, he knows, since Baren doesn't know anything about him or the reason why he'd pulled away from Futaba in the first place, but he can't help it. His skin tingles with memories of flame and promises he couldn't keep, and Leo realizes suddenly that he's stopped walking.

Yes, he's already made a decision regarding Futaba. And maybe he has decided to trust her on this. But that doesn't take away the fear of consequences worse than a broken heart.

Leo forces his feet to move again with a shake of his head. ]

You don't know anything about me, dude.

[ Pushing past Baren, he tries not to remember the workshop from his memories, his mother trapped inside as the building begins to burn. ]

Sometimes the consequences can be worse than just hurting someone's feelings.

[ When he said he didn't want to hurt Futaba, he meant it quite literally. Surprise. ]

[ - and of course nothing's ever that simple, is it.

Baren blinks, surprised. A broken heart is that, and the consequences of it can lead to years lost to pining for someone that's less than what you deserve. That's the lens he was looking at this through and immediately, he reevaluates the situation because Baren hasn't survived as long as he has by being dense. Occasionally tone deaf, sure, but not dense.

He stopped when Leo did - and he accepts the other pushing past him with a mild look of annoyance (don't get close to him). Like a jerk, he moves to brush imaginary dust off his person because he doesn't like people being in his personal space without invitation, but then he follows after.]

You're talking about something that I can't understand because you haven't told me.

[Flat out - because nothing else in their conversation could tip Baren off that he would say the wrong thing.]

- and I'm not saying you have to tell me, but you should probably talk to someone about it before you throw your feelings around, whatever they might be.

Is that what your issue is?

[He thinks back to the look of disgust on Leo's face when he noticed his fingertips on fire.

The sparks that fly off your own hand when you can't control your emotions?]

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I THOUGHT I RESPONDED TO THIS I'M SORRY RAY